In my 30+ years of experience, I’ve seen how easily love can get tangled in family dynamics, especially when it comes to sibling relationships. One of the most painful patterns I come across is what’s called splitting, where a parent, knowingly or not, causes tension or rivalry between their children.
It might not seem like a big deal at first. A parent might say, “Why can’t you be more like your brother?” or routinely take one child’s side in a disagreement. But over time, this behavior fractures trust, not just between siblings, but between parent and child as well.
Are you unintentionally pitting your children against each other? Discover how parental splitting affects sibling relationships and how to prevent it.
What Is Splitting Between Siblings?
In family systems psychology, splitting happens when a parent creates, or reinforces, division between siblings. This can look like:
- Favoritism toward one child
- Scapegoating another child as the “problem”
- Using one child as a confidant against the other
- Comparing children in a way that breeds jealousy or resentment
Children naturally compete for love and attention. When parents repeatedly side with one child or vilify another, they’re fanning the flames of rivalry instead of teaching resolution, respect, and connection. This can happen at any age. However, it may begin when children are young.
The Emotional Cost of Sibling Splitting
The damage caused by this dynamic can last well into adulthood. Siblings who were once close may grow distant, or even estranged, because of unresolved wounds. Children on the receiving end of splitting may experience:
- Low self-esteem
- Chronic anxiety or depression
- A deep need to “prove themselves” or win approval
- Distrust toward authority figures and relationships
On the flip side, the favored child may struggle with guilt, entitlement, or unrealistic expectations. Both lose.
As psychologist Dr. Susan Forward explains in Toxic Parents, this kind of emotional manipulation, especially when used to control or divide children, can lead to lifelong relational trauma.
How to Avoid Unintentional Splitting
The good news is that with awareness and intention, this cycle can be interrupted. Here are a few simple but powerful shifts:
- See each child as unique. Celebrate their individuality rather than comparing strengths.
- Stay neutral in sibling arguments. Teach your children to express feelings and resolve issues without assigning blame.
- Avoid labels. Saying “She’s the smart one” or “He’s the naughty one” sticks more than you think.
- Spend one-on-one time with each child. This helps meet emotional needs without competition.
- Apologise if you slip. Kids respect honesty, and acknowledging mistakes builds trust.
If this dynamic is already present in your family, it’s not too late to change. Repair is always possible.
Let’s Rebuild Sibling Bonds—Peacefully
If you’ve noticed tension between your children and feel unsure about how to handle it, or worry that your parenting may be fuelling it, I’d love to support you.
I offer a free, no-obligation 30-minute online meeting where we can explore the dynamics in your home and talk about my customised 12 x 60-minute online meetings – The Peaceful Parenting Package Program. Together, we can strengthen your family’s emotional foundation and give your children the gift of lifelong connection.
The tools I offer are practical, tested, and tailored, but they only work if you’re ready to use them.
Citations:
Forward, S., & Buck, C. (2002). Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life. https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/155339.Toxic_Parents
- Verywell Family. (2020). Why Parents Shouldn’t Compare Their Children. https://www.verywellfamily.com/why-you-shouldnt-compare-your-kids-4164449
